Clara

10:43 pm: casual conversation
i mean... of the people u helped whose business turn out to be successful...
what sort of things did they do right to become successful? and what sort of qualities do they possess?
that is my question..
lihsiangsays:
they posses the following:
1. Realistic targets, you must have control points: in X years I need this, Y years I want to get that
2. Once goals are set, just do it, not changing half way because of some obstacles or distractions
3. details
attention to details
price details
they are willing to spend whats neccessary
not saying all the time "I want to save money here or there"
but they spend the neccessary
also, not over expanding
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
the food stand, small, but has everything advised
also, he listened and bought a fridge under the cart
another thing, confidence
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
I think, as a friend, you need that
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
you are good, really good, have more confidence in yourself
Shih says:
how do i try to make myself more self-confident?
Shih says:
i've been trying to do that my whole life actually..
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
If I say you are really good, would you believe me from heart or think its a flattering?
Shih says:
i compare myself to my succesful peers and sometimes tear myself to pieces...
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
you know that is the only reason
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
the major reason too
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
I never compare
Shih says:
well.. truth is i neither believe nor disbelieve.. i am only curious what makes u base ur opinion on
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
instinct
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
instinct is a collection of many small experiences
Shih says:
there u have it.. im not an instinctual person.. i use my head too much...
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
I think too much too
Shih says:
sometimes i corner myself with self-doubts i know i shouldn't have... and a lot of times im just not secure with my inability to attain many goals... that gets me depressed and makes matters worse...
lihsiang79@yahoo.com.tw says:
but that can be controlled
I became self confident after too much thinking and a breakthrough came
I realized, by thinking, any comparison with others is unfair
then I stopped thinking about it because I know its a waste of time, bad investment
then I just study and do my things

11:35 pm: ‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’

- Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles

11:37 am: Right now the central focus in my life is work. Everything I do, I do it mostly for the sake of work. It's my source of happiness. Nothing else really makes me happy. I don't have a boyfriend. My family care about me, but they are sometimes hard work.

At work I meet interesting people, make friends with the staff, my colleagues. It is fortunate I have a wonderful job where the people are pleasant, place conducive to learning and professional growth, equipments are very good.

Because of my strong attachment to my work, I worry a lot about it, too. I worry about anything that may decrease my work performance. I worry about my health. I've been sick a lot lately. I've got to make myself stronger. I think it has to do with my mental state as well. There had been a few things that caused me stress and unhappiness. My physical health and my mind are so closely linked. My delicate physique makes me prone to falling sick, which consequently affects my mind, and gloomy moods further affects my health.

Since my primary focus in life is work, I haven't really got much of anything else that helps to buffer the stress at work. I've only been able to use work as a buffer to other stress in life. My escape from boredom, a sense of loss, family quarrel, is my work. Somehow I've come to realize, that's not really the way to live my life...

*********************

It seems hard to click with all the guys I met. Those guys who are seriously interested in me are all a lot older than me. About 34 or 35 years old. As for me, I am not that interested to have a relationship with a guy that old. Having said that, in a few more years, even guys of that age group won't feel interested in me anymore, they'd again be interested in girls a few years my junior.

I guess there is still that unextinguished yearning in me. Something that my soul still tries to search for. I still want to fall in love, enjoy the chase and dance of courtship, before moving into the next phase.

My sentiment and my fear came out in the conversation I had with my cousin last night:

Clara:
i want a relationship that's comfortable and easy and fun for both parties.. not something that is hard-work... hard work with insecurity

Clara:
i find guys who had long relationship before scary... because i've never had anyone really loved me for a long time.. someone who's been there for me like that... and i so wish that i would have a chance to be loved like that... and i just think that a guy who gave the best part.. and such a long time as well to another girl would probably feel burned out and have no more such passion to do the same for another girl...

Clara:
would probably become more realistic, career-focussed etc... expend little if not just less energy on romantic partner..

Dave:
maybe that's how life should be.... meeting up not so perfect people, and living not so perfect life.....

Clara:
yeah.. but i don't want to be someone's comfortable settle in... i would like to meet someone who'd put more work in me..

Clara:
i've never really had a proper relationship...

Dave:
there there... poor girl....

Clara:
i wonder if that means no one who had long relationship and past the age of 30 would never be able to offer me that...

11:06 am: All my life I was looking for that elusive thing called happiness.
I didn't find it, not the peaceful confidence that comes with it, only pleasure which was fleeting... because I was looking at all the wrong place.

So it started with a desire to change.
We all do.
Sometimes it's other people instilling us the message that we are never good enough.
Not good enough to be content with how we are made, but we need to improve, or in any ways to make over.

There were so many things I wanted to change, even including my family.
I wished that my mother isn't so childish. That she doesn't throw tantrums, thinks we owe it to her to make her feel good. I wished my grandparents to be more elegant, I wished...

So I was looking at things with critical eyes.
I felt afraid that those I find attractive may find all those things about me undesirable.

There was always that misguided notion that if I have all the right ingredients of success, happiness would fall in place.
But it never did. All it did was generating more insecurity.

We were just being fed the wrong messages either about achieving desirability, to please; or alternatively, to indulge in self-centred narcissitic obsession. To have that great figure, to be multi-talented, to be super-brainy..
One way or another, it's all driven by our fear or vanity. Neither really makes me happy.

It so happens that I don't enjoy being self-centred.
But I do crave for love, to love and be loved.
I don't want to care about being picture perfect, but being just the way I am.
I don't want to make myself look like the model in the magazine, even though I like to look pleasant.
I want to be comfortable with the way I am. Know that I am good enough and proud enough being how I am without trying to overachieve.
In other words, I want my own spirit to shine through.
To know that it means accepting my past, my present; who bound to my life through blood ties, who enter my life through fate and choice; all of which are my materials to shape my own future.

All the guys entered my life started out to mean so much to me, even though they didn't meet the expectation, that doesn't make them bad. It was pretty extreme for me to condemn them and condemn myself. I create hell for myself for all the things I didn't plan to happen, condemning my own judgement, blame fate, blame everything, blaming myself. If they are so bad, what was it that I saw in them at the start?

And shouldn't I ask myself, once in a relationship, how would I make the other person happy? Could I walk away, if need be, without creating hurt? Why would I want to be with this person while there are other people i could also easily give my love to? If I am only giving love for hope of having that love requited, how can there not be any bitterness and anger if my expectations are unmet?
Perhaps what I really wanted, is to help bringing out the best from the person I am with, at the same time, feeling the person is bringing out the best in me.

As for my family, it doesn't matter how they are. Some people have deluded, sick, disturbed family, but it doesn't affect love, unless your response to it comes in between. Family is family and that's it. Love isn't a choice on whom you choose to love and whom you don't. Yet love is a peronsonal choice to be more loving, to anyone in my life. Whether they please me or annoy me. I think with genuine love comes peace.

07:42 am: From a friend:

Perhaps the first step to find the person you can
journey with the rest of your life with is to be
yourself and transparent. Something Ive realized
is that you cant be everything to everybody. Ive
realized that some people arent going to be
attracted to me no matter what I do, say or how I
look, and some will.
I dont know how it is over
there, but here, Americans try to do this, be
smart, seductive, sexy, artistic, athletic,
charming, witty, musical, moral.etc. all at the
same time in order to appeal to the masses.
I find it ironic that here in the big city were we are
continuously in contact with so many people but
yet cant seem to find someone whom you really
connect with. I think it goes back to choices and
contentment. So many people, so many choices
that we think theres something better waiting
around the corner.

01:32 pm: The funny thing with friends is, you accept their oddity or eccentricity with fondness, until one day something happens that breaks the two of you apart, and then you no longer understand how you never found them odd.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I am reassessing my situation. Work is like a spouse whom you need to select carefully to start with before fully commit. Of course we are encouraged to make friends with good people, but commitment is something that will affect our life deeplyh.

And now, I am contemplating whether to change job. It's not that I like to change job, in fact I would really like to settle in one place and grow steadily. But it looks like I will sacrifice too much to stay on this job, in exchange of a hope of better career advancement in the future. Surely I can learn things elsewhere, too. And connection with the right people in this field no longer seems that important after weighing the things I need to forego. Perhaps it's no longer that important for me to attain certain things, to be extraordinary, seeing how much I need to sacrifice my youth, my happiness, my relationship with people. I think I will be happier at the end of the day to stay ordinary but have deeper, meaningful relationship with family and friends.

Between ambition and affection, I decide to listen to my heart. Even though it makes me mediocre, makes me ordinary to choose the latter, but I think that is the life I feel happier leading. All the glory and outward success doesn't seem enough to validate for a lonely, empty heart. I will surely regret burying my youth, my well-being just for climbing the social laddar.

I don't know if my father will support my insistence on maintaining the kind of ethics I believe in. He often thinks that idealism is dead and being realistic and flexible is what means to be sensible and strong. But I know he will welcome the idea of me moving back home to spend more time with them. If I am never going to find anyone in love, it is still my best gift in life to treasure my loved ones and to spend time with those who mean the most to me while I can, and that would be my family.

Of course money is important, and achievement makes one feel good, too, but not to the degree that I would need to live my life always for the future, and perhaps one day realising that I never had the time to connect with others or foster the kind of priceless relationship that can make me smile on my last day on earth. That would be too late and too tragic. I can't afford to let that happen and feel regretful, because I only ever live this once.

So is it time to make another tough decision? And once that decision is made, I'll need to fully commit and take in all the downside of things.

11:09 am: 一位結婚朋友的日記
很多人問我
你的結婚伴侶是妳的最愛嗎?
結婚到現在有沒有後悔?
怎麼知道這個男人可以託付終生?

其實所有的問題中應該是沒有一個標準答案的
因為婚姻幸福的答案並不在別人的口中
而是來自於男女雙方最基本的基石
~信任~

因為信任除了是人與人之間不可或缺的人際要素外
我相信這也是維繫一個婚姻幸福與否的重要元素

所以
如果你還有類似上述疑問產生時
那麼請自己捫心自問是否能信任對方
如果連你自己都有信任的危機時
那麼問這些問題能幫你得到婚姻幸福的答案嗎?
我相信是很難的

每當大家提到
婚姻的對象要找的是最適合的人,這句話
我覺得再加上
婚姻的對象要找的是最值得妳信任的人
還比較實際貼切一點
因為
適合的人
很抽象的感覺
但是
值得妳信任的人
該是比較清楚的感受

因此
如果你問我什麼是愛情?
什麼是婚姻幸福?

答案其實很簡單
就是
信任 兩字

10:19 am: Finally I am able to see through the lies and understand what happened. I guess I am very slow.
I can finally feel free of his control on my psychology after really seeing that he's dishonest, manipulative and spineless. With no more respect for him, I can't like him at all anymore, it's finally closure for me. He's dishonest and spineless since he never admitted the things he lies, covering them up with one after another excuse, because he's afraid of facing me truthfully and he's afraid of the damage it would have on his ego to be truthful to himself, and he's afraid of the consequence.

It's always a matter of personal character. Why being honest when you may cost you good chances and immediate gratification? Because it's the right thing to do, something to do with a person's core value, identity and not wanting to cause harm. About having basic respect for other people, believe in fairness, and believe in kindness. It's never about personal gain but having the courage to do what is right. Losing something attractive may be a little painful. But losing your own soul, your integrity will make you a sick person. A psychological cripple with a troubled conscience.

Even though he apologises readily it's actually another kind of psychological manipulation. He lowers himself in the pitiful position, complains about himself being tired, being burnt out, being overwhelmed from life's pain or whatever, knowing that because the other person has feeling for him, the person will soften her heart. Thus he hopes that the person will abandon any accusation, forget the problem, allowing him to stay with the self-serving ways, avoiding himself the discomfort and pain. And that's only being irresponsible, cowardly and exploiting on someone else's goodwill. Fortunately I have a little bit of good sense left in me not to completely lose myself. It seems very dumb but I always think of other people to be like me, expecting them not to intentionally do anything that could hurt other people. Especially for people I believe in, I trust them on that. I am not sure why I never learn to expect differently, and I always imagined people would change. Somehow I thought that if you are good to them, kind enough, they will change because of love. I thought somehow they'd bring out the good side of themselves and want to right the wrongs they did. Today I am disappointed. I guess you can call that naivety. Luckily, I have regained trust in myself, and I still retain my trust for people, just that I am reminded to protect myself better, and not to tolerate evil.

Perhaps in this age people have many misguided values, movies and literature that uphold romance against anything else appeal to primal desire. Romance on one hand is a pleasant, energising, life-affirming thing; on the other hand, it is very self-centred, acting selfishly on it, it corrupts moral .

I am not envious of your friendship with Michelle at all. You two are not even honest with each other. Michelle on one hand knows that you like her, but never told you that she has someone else in her life. Maybe she just doesn't want to deal with uncomfortable situation and losing something, even though it causes you pain. But you asked for it, you have your own hidden agenda, too. Instead of taking relationship as a spiritual experience, concerned with growth, your focus is primarily on visceral sensation of good feelings, grandeur and intellectual fun. Thus it's OK to keep secrets, you or the other party. As long as you make each other feel good, and there's something to gain for both parties. But you may be happy to know that only make you the same as many other people, no better or worse. Some people go into marriage that way, too. Maybe that's why you can like Sandy Lam that much, even though she stole someone else's husband and left a trail of broken hearts. But hey, she never kills anybody, and she is just being true to her feelings, besides, she's sweet and charming, one may argue. Or is that valid?

Whatever the case, I am gonna break out of this bad karma. You people are like spreading disease around if you are not aware of it. Even when other people hurt us we can choose to stand up for what is right instead of pass the hurt around.

04:45 pm: Actually, it did make me wonder with the comment that I treated him as a punching bag.
I wondered if it's true. But I am quite happy to realise that I am not guilty of that at all.
I've never treated him as a punching bag. Maybe demanded his support and acted very negatively when he disappointed me, time and again neglected me and acted unfeelingly. If I really treated him as a punching bag I wouldn't have felt hurt from the things he did or didn't do. Most of my negative sentiments were actually reactions from unfair treatment in the relationship.

Being gutless is very different from being nice. And I am rather tired with his self-centredness. The way he again complained about the stress and being tired, trying to soften other people that way. He just used that to win sympathy and made himself appear pitiful, to excuse himself form his incompetence. I have no more sympathy for such patheticness and it robbed off feelings of respect from me. I am not about to fall into the same trap again. I am tired, too. Some things never change and some people never want to change.

06:29 pm: To myself...
Dear Clara,

I know you feel disillusioned and crushed. You feel unable to believe in yourself again. You don't think believing in love again will be a good idea, and you feel like you can never put your trust in relationships again ever.

Do you remember the time when you first picked up bicycles? You got you first bicycle when you were 7. Your father took you on a more deserted patch of road to practise. At first it was really scary. But you were so excited and and so eager, because it seemed so exhilarating to be able to ride bikes around just like the other bigger kids. It was hard at first, but after quite some time (was it 1 or 2 weeks), you finally got it, and was able to ride around by yourself. That first day when you were able to balance yourself properly, you were really proud and happy. Your father, thinking that you knew how to ride already and should be able to go home later by yourself, left you there to enjoy yourself.

Being inexperienced and young, you weren't aware of the dangers around you, and you were really still not skillful with controlling the bike. Suddenly your bike went off the road, went off in a tangent from the circle you were turning. Before you were able to react, you fell into a deep gutter along with the bike. It was luck and instinct that saved you. The gutter was full of toxic sewage, it was fairly deep and there were many protruding steel wires at the bottom. You couldn't swim and struggled for air. Your flailing arms were scratched by the jagged edge of cement, legs pricked by the wires at the bottom. Luckily, the commotion attracted some people who were walking past the area. They rushed in to help you up. With tears and full of blood and dirt, you waddled home. Naturally your parents got quite a scare, and Father was scolded by Mother. It didn't end there though, you had fever for quite a few days from swallowing too much of the sewage water. There was also a deep scar on your right ankle, which is pretty indistinct today. But it lasted, evidence of the trauma you went through.

You father went back to fetch the bicycle. But you were filled with fear by its sight. And you thought to yourself that you'd never gotten yourself on that bike again. Day in and day out, you saw other kids at the neighbourhood riding their bikes wheeling past you. You were envious of the fun and freedom they seemed to be enjoying, but you lost the courage to get on your bike again. So the bike was always parked inside the 4th floow apartment. Then one day, you found an abandoned bicycle at the downstair landing. It was many months after your accident, at least half a year had gone by. You walked past that old bike a few times, until one day you plucked up your courage and decided to give it another chance. You spent some time every day practising with the old bike. And one day, you were able to ride on it as well as the other kids. The success of able to ride on it well gave you a sense of freedom you never had before, the freedom of allowing yourself to enjoy something wonderful, and the freedom of having your fear expelled. It was from then on you had no more problem with bicycles. With a little bit of apprehension, you brought out your own bike one day, and returned back the old abandoned bike.

Do you see a parallel here, What happened to you before and what's happening to you now?

Perhaps you are older and more weary of the world. And it just seemed very hard and you were losing hope. But this is yet another accident in your life. A combination of bad luck and inexperience, some carelessness. Don't lose your hope, darling. One day you will be alright. You have to believe in yourself. It may take a bit more time. It may seem hopeless sometimes. Sometimes you may feel so afraid. Just know that one day you will no longer be overshadowed by mistrust, you will also have learned to handle relationships better while staying true to yourself. Don't lose your heart or hope. Don't ever give up trying. Remember to believe in yourself.

With love,
Your own best friend...

12:48 pm: Today I look up on Shakespeare's famous words for some wisdom and comfort.

"The quality of mercy is not strain'd.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath.
It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

--From Merchant of Venice (IV, I, (184-186)

03:25 pm: I never could understand how some people can devote themselves to other humans beyond reasoning, for their subject of desire. Now that I think of it, it appears to be from lack of self-esteem. Otherwise how would someone want to submit in a relationship with totally unbalanced power balance, and not asking for a fair and balanced situation?

10:27 am: You wanted to dictate the pace of the relationship according to your wants, your needs and how you feel. But what about my feelings, my reactions and worse of all, my false belief based on partial knowledge? So am I supposed to be blamed for being rash, unprudent and naive? How would you feel if someone treated you the same way I was being treated? If I was in love with someone else, but never told you, kept you under cloak, and always kept an emotional distance, because you were the best thing that came along. How would you feel? Or if you have a sister and she's been treated the same way by someone else, how would you feel?

10:08 am: For believing in love, you had shown me the ugliness of human nature. While trying to avoid your own pain, avoid your own loss, you chose to hide. You hid your feelings, you hid things that would affect my decision, you hid information that would've been important to me, in the guise of saying not wanting to hurt me. Can you honestly feel that it's true? Or you only want to convince yourself that it's true? It was a relationship based on deceit, and I felt my trust was broken. And you know where it went wrong? That you had never regarded the sacredness of truthfulness in a relationship above all else.

12:30 am: Dear God,

I am so afraid. I feel again gripped by fear. Please help bring light into me.

I would like to be able to build another worthwhile relationship in my life, be open and loving, but I am so unsure of myself now. I am not sure if I can open up my heart again. I don't want to be rejecting, I don't want to stay inside my own walls, I don't want to feel self-pity.

I am so afraid, and I am still in pain. I still can't forget the pain that came from secrets and selfishness and being rejected. Please help me to forget him. Please help me be strong and allow myself to be vulnerable when I care for another, and be happy enough to love again. Please help restore my faith, so that I am not afraid to trust.

02:54 am: Friendship may take a long time to nurture, but gets lost easily. Out of a short time of neglect, the fish in the bowl that took so long to grow died of starvation.

01:04 am: Looking back, I think it was just that I've been involved with someone who's not really available for me. It is better to try to figure out what happened after I took off all my self-blame. He was just not really able to be emotionally available for me, whether he was committed in his heart to the childhood best friend, or he was busy worrying about his future. At one point I had pretty low respect for him. I felt hurt that he never allowed enough development in emotional intimacy, something always blocked, and his relatives or parent made no effort to get to know me better, either. I am pretty sensitive about all those kinds of things. It's not really right or wrong, it's just me and what's important to me.

I suppose it's really hard for everything to be just at its right place. It's about as difficult as creating a phenomenal success in business or whatever. To have all the right ingredient and circumstances, such that you have wonderful in-laws, intimacy and connection with your partner, good compatibility and good timing and circumstances for you to get involved with each other. However much we might aspire to such ideal situation, it seems just about as difficult as wanting to create a billion-dollar international business chain or something. Not impossible, but fairly difficult. There are many factors in play on the road to success. Fate and destiny both play part. You need to be equipped, but luck is important also.

I am still divided, about whether ever wanna be friends with him. Well I can't right now, which is for sure. I still have unresolved feelings about all this. I don't wanna like him again out of habit, or allow myself to build another false hope and deluding myself. I don't trust him. However he explained, his actions were dubious for me. I can't trust someone who went out alone with a girl who's engaged. Even when it's something in the past before we even met. I can't picture myself ever meeting another guy alone, if he's already got a fiancee. However much I might like the guy as a friend or whatever, I'd avoid that. Or the fact to chaperone someone to a wedding. I don't think I would unless I am single, that is not involved with another person whether in a committed sense or purely emotionally, and only if I am open to the possibility of dating the person I am chaperoning. I'd do what I say, and I care a lot about things I promise someone. I don't make them lightly, and when I do, I care about them deeply.

I guess I still want to believe in beautiful dreams I made up, to believe in his potentials, to let myself be carried away in my idealistic thoughts. But in life things are not supposed to only turn out pleasantly. And often what we believe or been exposed to believe are very much just pleasantness untried and there's nothing to say we are entitled to those pleasantness in life. A forwarded message I received today struck me, inside was a quote that says, "Crushed dreams rather than found truth adds more to a person's wisdom."

Let me learn the lessons in life rather than writing them off or avoiding them. Be there no bitterness or self-blame as I help myself to grow.

05:01 pm: Actually, I know what sort of girl you like, and what sort of perfect image you are looking for. I am not that dumb actually, I just didn't want to see it for myself, or admit it for that matter.

The kind of girl that many guys like, particularly for reserved ones. A girl who is quiet, smart, understanding, calm, patient and devoted. A girl who is virtuous and impeccable.

But I would not turn myself into such someone for you. For although those are attractive qualities, I am also quite self-centred. Being quiet and not wanting to seek any attention is not really me. As for the rest, I would do so for someone I love and shows willingness to sacrifice. But I didn't see that in you, I saw someone who felt I wasn't the perfect girl in his eye anymore and kept longing for such perfection. Someone who didn't consider it important enough to pay more attention, to understand my feelings, to give me more love.

Giving someone love is afterall, very different from thinking you love somebody.

That person only wants to love in his own way. Unfortunately for me, I also want to be loved in a certain way. So this relationship cannot be a happy one. Neither wants to compromise for the other.

I need reassurance, encouragement and love, to fuel the love I am able to give.

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And so it comes to an end, my quest to why things had turned out so differently from my own expectations. My sadness of losing something that was once beautiful, but never to be patched, however hard I had tried to. Perhaps I will be able to open another window for myself afterall.

12:18 am: I am going home tomorrow. I am taking one whole month unpaid leave to concentrate on studies and take a little trip to settle my affairs in Singapore, plus visiting friends. I am feeling happy. It almost feels like a vacation. I always like going home now, knowing my parents love me, and they are mine. I didn't always feel that way and didn't always feel close and happy with my parents. We still fight sometimes, but I feel much closer with them. They are much more expressive with their love now. My dad even hugs me sometimes when he picks me up from airport or sends me off when I go away for a long time. They didn't do that to me when I was small. It was mostly about discipline. I was supposed to do what they say, and do what I was expected to, else I got scolded. And if I was naughty I got spanked. Sometimes I got scolded easily just because they were on a grumpy mood. But they didn't feel there was supposed to be another way. They were treated much the same by their parents. My parents provided me well. They taught me independence, discipline, afforded me with good education, opportunities they never had. But what I wished most were the parents who would make me feel that I am being loved unconditionally, not that they would not like me if I wasn't doing the right thing, and I had to please them. I wished my parents would bother about how I feel about things, instead of the only thing they knew, and how they learned from others. Shut up, don't cry, deal with your own bad feelings, be pleasant. Sometimes when I told them about things of interest to me, I found them disinterested, looking distracted, not really listening to me. It killed my enthusiasm and joy of sharing. So I hardly talked to them about things. Even when I felt hurt and went home telling them how someone bullied me, looking for comfort from them, my father cruelly refused to give me any. He'd give me lesson on his Darwanian outlook of the world, and told me no matter what happened to me outside, he wouldn't help, I got to learn how to deal with it myself. As a consequence I stopped going to them with much of anything, especially when I was feeling hurt. I was a lonely child, and felt no one understood me. My father would often unload his worries unto me. I was a good listener to him. He talked a lot to me, about his values and stories of people and things. My mother was not happy with me because she thought I sided with my father whenever they had argument. I would come home sometimes with beautiful artwork, things like decorated mother's day card to give her, hoping to see her appreciating my present. Instead she displayed little enthusiasm, said thank you, but the next day I saw it being carelessly discarded. There was school where I was made to go to, and there was home where I got more disapproval than approval. Amazingly, as a young girl, I found life not worth living for. My friends were my imagination, my crayons and paper. I liked to draw, and was more artistically inclined than my fellow students. I wished I had a close buddy. To make life more bearable, I made up a make-believe friend to talk with. I loved all the little animals and almost anything alive. I also got attached to them easily.
Today, I am happy to say that things are much better. Over the years and many not so easy adjustments, my parents share with me many things, talk to me like a friend. They listen to what I have to say. They act more caring, and they are much more willing to offer emotional support. They had also proved their love through the many sacrifices for our well-being. I think they are the two people I can always depend on in this world.


So I don't like my childhood.
That's another thing that made me unhappy with my ex. In the past when he went on and on with how wonderful his childhood was, how many friends he had and the things he did with them, he seemed to be closer to them than me. He never understood how I felt. I felt very sad listening to that.
I would have liked to have a childhood like that, too, but I didn't. I didn't even have many good friends. In my first primary school, I had a few who shared similar interests with me, whom I could play with. I still remember them till today. I lost contact with them after changing school. The girls in the other school were catty, forming small groups and talked behind people's back. At those times boys and girls didn't mix with each other during plays. So I preferred my story books and doodling as my company. In high school, my best friend and my cousin, whom I loved and cared for, backstabbed me time and again, acted really close to me, but always managed to distance me from my friends that she got close to. She also made me feel used, because she would come to me to make herself feel better with my company, almost without fail I put my things aside and listen to her. While most times when I felt upset and went to her, she just brushed me away and busied herself with other more interesting things. Each time I would feel very upset when any of those hurtful things happen. Sometimes she apologised, but made the same mistakes all the same. When she came look for me, though, I always forgave her at the end, because I loved her and cared for her. And she made me laugh sometimes, we giggled and had quite a bit of fun together. She's actually quite charming, smart and talented. But she kept on backstabbing me, creating chasm between me and other friends, breaking my heart again and again. One day I decided enough was enough, I didn't want to put up with her manipulation anymore, and I maintained an emotional distance from her, stopped to be in close association with her. I didn't want to be her one-sided emotional trash can, either. In the beginning I did miss her, but I felt much better after a while, my relationship with my other friends also improved. At least there was no more misunderstandings. Today I also made many more good friends, many of them unfortunately I never had the opportunity to share a lot of common experience with, but I could trust them and we have very genuine friendship and care about each other. so I am much happier with my life today. I don't look at my past with regret. If any, just that I didn't get to have a better one. I look into my future with high hopes. I wanted it to be picture perfect, and attain all the things I always wanted but didn't get to have. I wish for somebody who can give this to me, a best friend to share my thoughts and feelings with, someone who cares for me a lot and will not hurt me. I think I've been looking for that in a boyfriend.

10:36 pm: I really am very stubborn.

I look for perfection, and when things don't turn out as I expect, I go into major crashes.

That's what my friend told me.

That's true.

And I told Quang that I am losing confidence, but he said, that's OK, confidence can be redeveloped.

It helps to make me feel more hopeful.

He thinks my stubbornness has reached a great new level though.

I've been immersing myself in self-pity and misery. So what if I felt betrayed and burned, so what if people didn't keep their promises to me, so what if they turned out to be different from what I believed. So what if I stumbled and fell, I still need to pick myself up and walk on, staying defeated is pathetic and cowardly.

Think not of what I want and what must I have to be happy, but what I can give to the world, what can I do to make other people happy. Happiness is often a byproduct of making other people happy. It is like a butterfly that will alight by itself, but not through seeking.




Actually, I don't realise it when I am or was being stubborn. That's pretty bad. I thought stubbornness applies to people not listening to anything others say and only think they are right. But that's not the only definition for stubbornness. I just wouldn't accept things the way it is. I don't want to accept it when the outcome isn't the one I want. I want to reverse it, rewrite it. I want things to go my way. So I keep bringing up the same old thing. Keep torturint myself, keep suffering. My strength was turned into a handicap. By that I am being very self-centred, and childish. I forget to see the people I can hurt by being that way, or the things I am risking. King Lear was a famous example of such tragedy. I saw it in others and I hated it, yet I am being the same. I saw it in my ex. I saw the way he hated the world, hated God for what went wrong, hated the fact his father betrayed his mother. I saw him not appreciating what he has nor enjoying his life. Only the past was happy and precious for him. His former life, his childhood friends, his feelings for this other perfect girl in his eye were the only things pure and constant. He didn't want to accept the fact that his family is broken, or the girl thinks of him only as a friend, since he believed her to be his soulmate. He chose not to be happy with the way his life was, not cherishing what he had, and because of that he hurt the person who wanted to see him happy and to be happy with him. All the while he stubbornly hung on what he wanted and didn't change. But I am not totally without fault. I also wanted things perfect as I planned. I saw things only as I wanted to believe. I couldn't accept things being different. When it didn't turn out as I expected, I asked for it to be repaired. When the other person didn't do what I wanted, I pushed and demanded and went on a rampage of destruction.

I often go from one extreme to another. First I only saw the roses, and then at the end there was only the thorns I saw. And so I weeded them all out.

I tend to be melodramatic. There are times when I am happy and generous, kind and loving towards others and myself, life then is full of meaning, joy and colours. And there are times when I feel cynical, finding every fault in myself, doubting everything. At those times the beauty and light turn off from me. I lose the sparkle to attract, I become sadder.

It sounds like mythology, something took great pains to build, but got destroyed in an instant. That often happens once I feel disillusioned when things aren't perfect.
I only wanted to see the roses but not the thorns. I couldn't believe the rose was sick and full of worms. The sights and smell of roses were gone for fear of thorns and worms. The rose was dead. I didn't want to believe it was dead. I wanted the rose to bloom beautifully and I decided to accept the thorns. But the rose was dead, even if I prod at it, fret at it, watered it, willed it to grow, it just won't. Only a withered, ugly twig. Nothing like the beautiful bloom I hope to see.

I think I know what I should do now. If I want my garden to be beautiful, I need to plant flowers. Not all the flowers are going to turn out beautiful. As long as the flower isn't too sick, I can care for it to make it better. As there are seasons for flowering, the garden isn't always be beautiful. And things take time to grow. The gardener needs to be patient.